Do you sometimes have trouble understanding exactly what your girlfriend means when you meet or talk to her? Don't worry, the following is a humorous and irreverent translation designed to enable you to understand the nuances and sub-plots of her conversations. It provides clear, albeit outrageous examples of what the fairer sex REALLY means when she says...

HONEST as in "Let's be honest with each other."

Variations: "I want us to tell each other everything ... Let's promise to never have any secrets from each other ... Let's open our hearts and minds and souls to each other."

Fine and dandy. We're all decent people. This is an honourable goal. Let's shake on it.

But remember one thing. This is the same girl who was upset when you praised the waitress for her good service at dinner the other night. You remember the one, she was more or less twice your age and perhaps three times your weight.

Yet your sweetheart was troubled. She couldn't understand why you were so impressed by this woman - "this brazen floozy" were her words, actually - who answered perfectly to your every whim for three hours.

If she was ruffled by that episode, will it really be such a good idea tomorrow to tap her on the shoulder and - being completely honest, because that is what she wants, isn't it? - say, "See the blonde over there? The one in the very short skirt. I think she has a fantastic ass. I do, honestly."

As for that odd tingling feeling you get in your stomach every time her sister Sue walks into the room, perhaps it would be better to keep that to yourself no matter how many secrets she wants to share.

Fortunately, she isn't actually interested in this kind of information when she is talking about "honesty". What she wants is for you to feel free to tell her how wonderful she is, anytime you want, night or day. As for anything negative, keep that to yourself, please.

JEALOUS as in "I'm not the jealous type."

Variations: "I know what men are like ... I trust you.... You don't have to worry about me coming after you with a hammer because I see you talking with some pretty girl."

Wouldn't it be fine if this were true? And wouldn't it be fine if your team always won? And money grew on trees? And pigs could fly?

Alas, we have to live in the real world and in the real world she is as likely to be immune to jealousy as she is to have wings or laugh at your jokes all the time.

In her mind, jealousy is a good quality. It is the best practical evidence of her deep affection for you. The fact that it also means no woman is allowed to come within several hundred yards of you for fear of her life is not her intention, just a convenient by-product.

If you are still naive enough to believe her in this domain, at least try the waters by artificially contriving a test before finding yourself in a real life situation.

Arrange for her to see you having coffee in some private intimate cafe with some old girlfriend who you have grown a little tired of anyway. That way, if your current squeeze does go berserk and pour a bottle of water over your "ex's" head, definitively ruining the relationship forever, nothing much will be lost.

The tragedy is that even if your lovely passes this test, you mustn't assume too much. It may mean nothing! For all their failings, women are actually often uncannily astute when it comes to figuring out which women are a threat and which aren't.

What she really means when she says she is "not the jealous type" is that she is not ... until there is the slightest reason to be!

INTERESTED as in "You're not interested in me."

Variations: "You don't understand me ... You never want to know my opinion ... You don't care what I think."

Picture this. She's been in the library or supermarket or dry cleaners or hairdressers or even the gym, for goodness sake, and struck up a conversation with some passing male and he has looked her in the eye and said, "What's the weather like outside?" That's what this is all about. He's asked her opinion.

He has sincerely wanted to know what she thought - merely about the chance of rain, of course. But the subject doesn't matter. What counts is that he has paused from his busy schedule, from picking up his frilly pressed shirts or wiping the sweat off his heaving chest between sets or whatever - and focussed his attention on her.

You never do that, of course. Well, not in the way he did. A different tone of voice. No baggage intended. The world full of promise. It was so refreshing, so uplifting. Whereas with you, well, it's always the same old thing, isn't it?

Solution? Voice lessons perhaps? Or even take up singing. Anything that will help her notice the next time you ask her a question that that is what you are doing - asking her a question. Soliciting an opinion. Actually, maybe forget the voice. Get a sign and hold it up in front of her: "I am asking you a question. I am interested in your opinion."

Sometimes bold initiatives are called for. This may be clumsy but it's certain to get her attention.

LIKE as in "I do like you."

Variations: "You're a good person ... You have some fine qualities ...If only I wasn't going out with / or hoping to go out with someone better... or someone who I might like a lot more."

This is similar to her saying I "like" all kinds of food. It sounds positive, a quality, something to admire her for. Something for you to feel good about. But in truth?

What happens when you offer her something a little unusual to eat, like dog, snake or monkey eyes? Suddenly you realise that her "liking" doesn't carry much weight.

That she "likes all kinds of foods" merely means she "likes all the kinds of foods that she likes" - which may be a great many or actually just a few but that is fine by her because that is what she likes and seems a lot to her.

As for "liking" you, rather than standing as a testament to her deep affection, it means something closer to the precise opposite : "I don't like you."

Or, more subtly: "I do like you ... so little that I can't even be bothered to tell you that I don't like you."

This is bad, undoubtedly. But at least it isn't the worst. She is partly saying, "I don't want to never never never see you again." Or at least: "I don't want to argue with you and part on bad terms." Or at the very least: "I don't want to put you in a sack with a stack of rocks and drop you in the middle of the ocean."

At least not overtly. And in some relationships, this could count for quite a positive thing.

Still, it is a lethal phrase because it offers no comeback. Since she doesn't mean what she is saying - since she means in fact that she doesn't "like" you - nothing that you can say will matter to her.

OBVIOUS as in "Must you be so obvious?"

Variations: "Do you have no tact at all? ... Don't you have any feelings for me?"

Whatever have you done this time? Punched a doorman? Stripped naked in the street? Shagged a neighbour on the dining room table.... while your parents / her parents were over for dinner?

Now that would be "obvious". Something that you could expect to have confirmed with solid physical evidence. Perhaps even photographs. As you would in a court of law. But this isn't court. This is a relationship. And there are no laws. So "obvious" in this case means some minor infraction that only her super sensitive radar could possibly pick up.

A rarefied pitch that only her finely turned and ever vigilant warning system would notice. There is no use asking your friends if they saw you doing anything wrong. And no use asking hers either - they won't have seen anything but will side with her.

One of the conditions of belonging to the Females of the Universe's Union of Offence Finders. As for the offence itself, don't try to think of what you might have done - fastened your seatbelt before she did hers, given a cripple on the tube a seat that she wanted, whatever.

For the sake of harmony, just nod and say, "You are right. I don't know what I was thinking of. I will try to do better."

QUARREL as in "I don't want to quarrel."

Variations: "Let's not talk about that now ... Can we leave it, please? ... Why do you have to go on about it all the time?...You know I don't like to argue ... It was only your favourite VHS / CD / DVD / book / jumper / pet rock / or whatever."

For once, she doesn't want to talk. Funny that, isn't it? If the subject is her or the two of you doing things together or a birthday present for some distant 105 year old aunt or how "nice" it would be to paint the sitting room pink, she is rearing to go and ready to stay up half the night chatting.

But as soon as it is something that matters, something virtually life threatening - like a programme you want to see or a match you would like to go to or whatever the damage is that she has done to your mobile phone memory or PC hard drive - she behaves as if verbal communication is precious, at a premium. That it has to be saved.

Suddenly she reacts as if it's a dangerous thing. Like starting to laugh in a sacred place. Or making noise in a war zone. A word too many here or there and disaster might ensue. But it is so hard to quell the fires, isn't it, when you know you are right - for once, at least - and that if you let it go now, it will simmer and stew inside you, driving you mad for weeks.

Yet if you do go on about it, she'll nail you to the wall for being petty, for refusing to move on. Sadly, she's got you and there is probably no alternative for you but a few hours out with a mate or two reviewing the situation.

At least you can count on their wholehearted support in this case. Undoubtedly, they'll have been there.

RELATIONSHIP as in "You call this a relationship?"

Variations: "What do you want from me? ... Where are we going? ... Don't you value me at all?"

At the risk of sounding pedantic, everyone has a relationship with everyone else in the world. You have a relationship with the person - male or female - who sells you a paper in the morning, travels the road with you to work, sees you stopping off for a drink on the way home, or dies in the darkness on the other side of the world.

It may not be a profound relationship but it is a relationship nonetheless. No man is an island, remember. She, however, is talking about something more specific. Something that involves terms like "spending time together", telling her she is "beautiful" even when she looks her worst and helping with the washing up after dinner.

You know very well that other things are more important to a relationship. Like sharing your thoughts on who will win the Premiership. Pointing out to her in detail how easy it is to fix a carburettor. And letting her have the last word now and then.

What more could any girl seriously expect? If you gave anymore, what would be left of yourself? Alright, quite a lot actually. But life wouldn't be so easy.

And this is where relationships get tough. She won't think you have one unless you are always upping the ante, adding a new wrinkle, doing a little more than yesterday.

It's like the freshener in a toilet - it is always being depleted and needs attention.

This needn't be as frightening as it sounds. Sometimes she will be pleased by things you actually want to do.

TALK as in "I need to talk to you."

Variations: "There is something I have to say to you ... Something I want to know ... Can we get five minutes of quiet later to have a chat?"

Not so much confusing as terrifying. She wants you to put life on hold, push all distractions aside, and give her your complete attention. Why? So she can tell you what a fine lad you are? Thank you for all the wonderful things you have done for her recently? Renew her vows of devotion and fidelity to you?

Not likely. No, there is a crisis of some kind, and you're at the heart of it. Something you have done. Or not done. Not told her she is beautiful for a few days? Not brought home a bouquet or two? Not offered to take her on a round the world cruise in the near future?

The interesting thing is that she feels she has to make an appointment to tell you. She does this ingenuously, of course. Apparently not wanting to interrupt your busy day.

Unfortunately the forewarning has set your nerves jangling, distracting your mind every few minutes as you struggle desperately to guess what the hell she is going on about, in order to prepare some kind of defence, and your day becomes a shambles so that by the time you do sit down for the talk you are a wreck.

No matter: you won't be called upon to do much once the meeting starts. When she says she want to "talk to you", she means "at you", not "with you". All you will have to do is listen ... and, no doubt, plead guilty.

UNDERSTAND as in "I want us to understand each other."

Variations: "I want you to understand me ... I want to understand you ... I want you to understand."

That's fair, isn't it? No one starts out intentionally to misunderstand some one else, do they? Admittedly, that's what often happens. She says "I'd like to do something nice on the weekend" and you say, "Fine, let's watch footie" - bang, you've got a misunderstanding.

But neither of you provoked it intentionally. You both agree on that. What she has in mind when she pleads to be understood, to understand, is something more serious. She's talking about laying down some tough ground rules, guidelines to take you through the dark forest known as the future.

It's a noble aspiration. It would be magnificent if it could succeed. If you two could simply settle the next few decades with a few minutes chat.

But experience shows that it is hard enough finding the consensus to get through one Saturday afternoon without friction, let alone years.

Still, it's probably best to pretend to go along with the attempt. It shouldn't take too long if you nod your head regularly - so you may yet have time to get out to the game.

About the Author
Jon White is the founder of http://www.CupidNights.com - a London dating site and the most successful geo-targeted dating site in Europe.